Breaking down to break open: accepting vulnerability, letting go and finding creative space to come up with Unlearning.
2022 was the toughest year of my life. In one fell swoop, in the span of a week, I had to watch my relationship, career, family and sense of security crumble. Paralyzed with grief, exhausted and deeply lost, I slowly realized that I only had one option: to dive in.
My go-to reaction to pain had always been to hide it. Put up a smiling front, grit my teeth, and move forward. But this time, the loss was so overwhelming, the way ahead so confusing, that I had to go in another direction.
Break open.
Look at my own actions and thought patterns. Accept my own vulnerability. Recognize that the cycles I kept perpetuating, no matter how successful they seemed from the outside, were deeply damaging for myself. The constant state of overwork, chronic lack of sleep, not speaking up and putting up a front was simply an excuse to hide my true self. The fear of being seen was so deep, that I preferred creating a successful character with no flaws —a character that was slowly, but surely, unravelling.
The second half of the year was a blur. Leaning into the pain, allowing myself to face it, I ended up very ill. But one day in October, at the height of a Covid streak that kept me in bed for a month, something happened. I started connecting the dots.
The heartbreak, confusion, loss of identity, made sense. The signs were all there, but I hadn't been able to see them until then. In truth, a corporate career wasn't for me. What I really wanted was to write, move my body, and connect.
For years, I had pretended to be strong, self-sufficient, independent. But really, all I wanted was to be soft. Embraced. Connected. The sense of abandonment I felt throughout my life was really my own self-abandonment.
By then I had already started diving deep into therapy, as well as more niche but fascinating subjects such as conscious relationships, attachment theory, inner child work, and a bit of manifestation. That day in October, I understood that in order to be true to myself, I had to share these learnings. Share vulnerably, and let myself be seen.
There was no choice left. When it all came crumbling down, I had to be seen.
In one afternoon, I had mapped out Unlearning: the theme of the podcast, the guests I'd interview, the issues we'd talk about, the tagline. It took another six months for me to find the courage to launch.
So, here goes. Welcome to Unlearning.
I'm so glad you're here.
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